Afraid of food

I have always loved food and eating! I admit that the foods that I love most are not always the healthiest – I love a good, messy cheeseburger and as I discussed in Tooth Extraction, I have a definite sweet tooth! Starving myself to get thin has never been an option for me.

When I was first living on my own, I got really thin. The two main reasons: one, I was poor and couldn’t afford to go out or buy much food and two, I often biked to work plus picked up running to spite an old boyfriend (another story for another time). At that point in my life, I didn’t drink much alcohol and I didn’t go out to eat. My diet consisted of baked potatoes, bagels, and rice. I enjoyed eating those things but mostly because that was what I could afford.

The second time that I got really thin, I had started using Nutrisystems and was working out about 2 hours every day. This was during the time of my “awakening” when I decided to leave my marriage and live on my own. The time proceeding, I had not been taking care of myself and when the fog lifted, I went heavy into exercise followed by restricting my diet to what came in a pre-packaged, chemical-laden “meal.” This was not a sustainable lifestyle and I ended up with a knee injury and a bum thyroid.

Today, I still struggle with consistently making healthy food choices because the greasy, sugary stuff tends to taste so good but I work at it. One thing I do not do is neglect to eat or let myself go hungry. I have friends and family who literally seem afraid to eat because they don’t want to gain weight. They are not only rejecting the “bad” stuff but also the nutritious items for fear of weight gain. It boggles my mind because we need food to live.

Therein lies a major problem, we have become so confused and twisted about body image and self-worth, that we will deny ourselves the fuel we need to live in order to get or stay thin. I don’t have the answers except to listen to our bodies and feed them what they need in order to live a full and healthy life. Sometimes that may be spinach and other times that may be Red Velvet Oreo Cookies – either way, moderation is key.

Walking with a Broken Heart

Alicia Keys has this beautiful, sad song called “Sleeping with a Broken Heart.” During times of heartache and pain, it flows through my head on repeat which is at once comforting but also further exacerbates my feelings of sadness.

Today, I was walking with a broken heart. My boo and I had a disagreement yesterday then he cut off communication with me, not sending a good night or replying to the one I sent, not answering my phone call, then waiting until mid-morning to call me back.

Needless to say, my sleep last night was punctuated with multiple awake spells where my brain was running away. Fortunately, I had a book that I would read until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any more then fall back asleep until the next jolt of worry, sadness, anger, anxiety shook me awake. And, of course, around 4 am there was a catfight in my driveway!

Disagreements and hurt feelings are part of most any relationship whether it is parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend or boo-boo. We have had our share of disagreements here lately which he and I approach differently though in the end have come back together for a resolution. Today, I’m not feeling confident about our walking toward one another and meeting in the middle for resolution. It remains to be seen. I’m hopeful that we will because I do love him dearly.

One of the best ways for me to stay sane during stressful times such as this is through physical activity. It would be easy for me to allow myself to slip into my black hole of depression and anxiety but I’m not going to do that this time. I felt the draw of the couch this morning, thinking a day of mind-numbing movies would be the thing but instead of giving in to that, I put on my walking shoes and went for a brisk walk. I am still sad, confused, and hurt but I feel a little bit stronger and more capable after taking myself on a walk.

What will be the outcome of this? Will I continue walking with a broken heart for a while? I don’t know. To wrap on a platitude, it will be what it will be. I know, either way, I will eventually be fine and keep moving forward.

Motorcycle Mama

Since I was young, the sound of a motorcycle has always given me butterflies of excitement! I still remember when I was about 17 going to a Fourth of July festival where motorcycles circled the grounds. The distant low, rumble of them coming then the overwhelming sound and sight of them once they got to us was one of the most memorable things from that summer.

Wanting to be part of the world of motorcycling, I stepped WAY outside my comfort zone to take the basic rider safety course which follows the curriculum set by the Motorcycle Safety Foundation. Though I have been fascinated by bikes for most of my life, I am the ultimate beginner having never even cranked up a motorbike before Saturday morning!

I was nervous and excited as we walked silently out to the range. I was ready to go – though also a bit apprehensive due to imagining myself flying over the handlebars or tipping the bike over with a leg trapped under. Plenty of people I know have at least one horror story about bike accidents. Certainly, it is a dangerous pursuit but also one gives a sense of freedom like few others. There is also an inherent notion of rebellion in riding a motorcycle which appeals to my wilder side.

It’s important to note here that I am not the most coordinated or graceful person. Learning physical activities is typically difficult for me even when I understand conceptually. Zumba, kickboxing, BodyPump, fast-moving yoga – I’m always at least 4 steps behind! One reason running appealed to me was because it is one foot in front of the other, consistently for a set period of time or distance – no quick changes or complex moves that involve your feet doing one thing, hands another, and hips yet a different one. I used to kickbox regularly and I LOVED it!! I made wonderful friends plus relished the feel of punching a bag and the sore, tired feeling at the end of a tough workout. It took me a lot of practice before I felt comfortable and could get through a sequence without screwing up but I did it with time and patience.

Approaching with caution, I hopped on my assigned bike.  As we proceeded through the class, the exercises got gradually more complex and challenging. I struggled to get through the slow, tight maneuvers such as weaving between cones and doing a figure eight. The friction zone often evaded me with my letting go or pulling in too much at the wrong times (yes, I stalled more than once). Rolling on and off the throttle often got confused. And don’t even get me started on the notion of counter-steering!

I tried hard and listened to my instructors, both of whom were excellent. At the end of the day, I did not pass the riding evaluation. A combination of nerves and the need for additional practice did me in. Truthfully, I’m okay with it and knew ahead of time that with my non-physical/kinetic learning style, I needed more time on a motorcycle before I could even fathom passing the evaluation. The instructor who told me I didn’t pass gave me clear and helpful feedback then welcomed me to come back to the class, feeling confident that with more practice, I would indeed get it.

The weekend was not a bust because I learned a lot, had fun, met some nice people, and got in a great work-out (bikes are heavy!). I’m going to stick with it because I am determined to figure out this whole motorcycle riding thing. It is just going to take me more effort and time before I can truly call myself a Motorcycle Mama!

The SCALE!?!

Yesterday morning, I stepped on the (dreaded) scale…I haven’t been on one since my last doctor’s appointment. I don’t typically worry about what it says, only decided to get on to gauge where I am right now so that I will know where I am going. Still, I was a little shocked at the number. It’s my highest weight since being eight months pregnant almost 14 years ago!!

I knew my clothes weren’t fitting like I wanted even though I had gone up another size but hadn’t figured the scale would throw out such a high number. Over the past few months, I have been making some slow, steady changes to include cutting back on wine during the week, smaller portions, less fast food, and more cooking at home. None of those things have made a dent in my belt notches.

I’m not throwing in the towel on any of the changes I’ve made, in fact, I’m going to double-down on cooking at home more and cutting out fast food (why has even typing that given me a hankering for an Arby’s roast beef?!). I also believe that adding in exercise will help tighten some things up and may help the scale go down.

Today, I had my blood pressure checked and it is excellent. My pulse was good as was my oxygen level. Aside from frustrations at work, my mental health is good and physically, though I’ve got some work to do, I am not falling apart. I have a supportive family, wonderful friends, and a silly, sweet boyfriend. Overall, I’ve got a lot of great things going for me.

If for some reason, re-incorporating fitness into my life and eating more of the good stuff doesn’t result in significant weight loss, it is not going to be the end of my world. I am still going to be me and that is more important than a number on a scale.