Walking with a Broken Heart

Alicia Keys has this beautiful, sad song called “Sleeping with a Broken Heart.” During times of heartache and pain, it flows through my head on repeat which is at once comforting but also further exacerbates my feelings of sadness.

Today, I was walking with a broken heart. My boo and I had a disagreement yesterday then he cut off communication with me, not sending a good night or replying to the one I sent, not answering my phone call, then waiting until mid-morning to call me back.

Needless to say, my sleep last night was punctuated with multiple awake spells where my brain was running away. Fortunately, I had a book that I would read until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any more then fall back asleep until the next jolt of worry, sadness, anger, anxiety shook me awake. And, of course, around 4 am there was a catfight in my driveway!

Disagreements and hurt feelings are part of most any relationship whether it is parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend or boo-boo. We have had our share of disagreements here lately which he and I approach differently though in the end have come back together for a resolution. Today, I’m not feeling confident about our walking toward one another and meeting in the middle for resolution. It remains to be seen. I’m hopeful that we will because I do love him dearly.

One of the best ways for me to stay sane during stressful times such as this is through physical activity. It would be easy for me to allow myself to slip into my black hole of depression and anxiety but I’m not going to do that this time. I felt the draw of the couch this morning, thinking a day of mind-numbing movies would be the thing but instead of giving in to that, I put on my walking shoes and went for a brisk walk. I am still sad, confused, and hurt but I feel a little bit stronger and more capable after taking myself on a walk.

What will be the outcome of this? Will I continue walking with a broken heart for a while? I don’t know. To wrap on a platitude, it will be what it will be. I know, either way, I will eventually be fine and keep moving forward.

The SCALE!?!

Yesterday morning, I stepped on the (dreaded) scale…I haven’t been on one since my last doctor’s appointment. I don’t typically worry about what it says, only decided to get on to gauge where I am right now so that I will know where I am going. Still, I was a little shocked at the number. It’s my highest weight since being eight months pregnant almost 14 years ago!!

I knew my clothes weren’t fitting like I wanted even though I had gone up another size but hadn’t figured the scale would throw out such a high number. Over the past few months, I have been making some slow, steady changes to include cutting back on wine during the week, smaller portions, less fast food, and more cooking at home. None of those things have made a dent in my belt notches.

I’m not throwing in the towel on any of the changes I’ve made, in fact, I’m going to double-down on cooking at home more and cutting out fast food (why has even typing that given me a hankering for an Arby’s roast beef?!). I also believe that adding in exercise will help tighten some things up and may help the scale go down.

Today, I had my blood pressure checked and it is excellent. My pulse was good as was my oxygen level. Aside from frustrations at work, my mental health is good and physically, though I’ve got some work to do, I am not falling apart. I have a supportive family, wonderful friends, and a silly, sweet boyfriend. Overall, I’ve got a lot of great things going for me.

If for some reason, re-incorporating fitness into my life and eating more of the good stuff doesn’t result in significant weight loss, it is not going to be the end of my world. I am still going to be me and that is more important than a number on a scale.



Rest Day?

Yesterday, I wrote a post about my motivation and how I practiced yoga AND went on a walk! It was a win for activity. Today may be a different story. It’s raining (thank you, Mother Nature!), I’m tired, and I don’t know if I will make it to the gym due to some other commitments. Am I making excuses already? Is this going to be an early derailment?

I don’t think so. I’ve been eating well today. Drinking water, too.

A few years back, I went to see a nutritional counselor. It was a short but interesting experience. She focuses on helping her clients break out of the “diet” mindset and embrace themselves as a whole being, not in need of the fixing that the diet and fitness industries capitalize upon. I went to her because I felt broken and ashamed of myself. I had “let myself go” and couldn’t find my way back to the size 6 jeans that had felt so good. There was something wrong with me and I needed to be fixed – I had fallen hook line and sinker into the “smaller is better” life-plan but was failing to get and stay there. Like many others, I have a long and painful history with body acceptance but that’s for another time.

One of the biggest takeaways from my time with the counselor is that we need to listen to our bodies and hear what it needs. For eating, she recommended a book on intuitive eating aptly named Intuitive Eating. I ordered the book and flipped through it – it’s on my list to pick back up. But the take away was to listen to your body because it will tell you what and how much to eat. The body knows what it needs and when it had enough. I am taking that same approach to movement. It’s not that I will be a couch potato today but I feel in my body that I need rest today. Things may change later in the day but for now, this is where I am and I am okay with it.